A few years ago, in my life b.c. (before children) I traveled through Indonesia. As I traveled, I had many opportunities to observe the people there. What struck me most deeply was how women lived together in support of each other. They raised the children together, they did the laundry together, they cooked, ate, laughed and celebrated together.
 
Years later, I became a mother. I live alone in a house. I do my laundry alone, I cook, clean and go through my day alone. Yes, I have the children, but a child is not the greatest conversationalist. I am alone. A lot.
 
I believe we are doing this all wrong. I believe that there is a reason why so many people feel depressed, isolated and lonely. Because we are alone. Because we are not surrounded by our mothers, aunts, cousins, and friends as we go about the tedious tasks that make up almost every minute of our days as a mother.

Somehow, our culture came to this place where most of our social life is about our children. We go to playgroups, storytime, or music class to help our children’s “development”. Not that this isn’t a worthwhile goal. I’m all for it. But when is it about Mama and her needs?

When it comes time to have a playdate, we take a shower, stress about the house being picked up and make snacks. We hang out with our guests trying to feel relaxed while in the back of our mind we are thinking about all of the things that need to get done. Then after our guests leave, we madly rush about trying to make up for lost time. No wonder we rarely make the effort.  We just stay lonely.

So what do we do about this? I believe that we change the way it’s done. How about instead of playdates, we make workdates? I would like to feel OK about asking my friends over and folding my laundry, cooking together, working in the garden together while our kids play; without us watching over them the whole time to make sure they are “getting along”. They’ll work it out. We have work to do and talking to be done without interruption, please!

We keep the world running, and I would like it to be more enjoyable. I would like to do it together; not alone. The kids will love being left to their own devices a little bit more. Now that’s a playdate!

I believe that how we are doing things now is not the way it is supposed to be. I don’t want to depend on my email and Facebook to feel a vague sense of cyber-connection to other people. It just doesn’t feel right. I don’t know how we got here. I do know that I want it to change. I believe we can change it if we want to. We just have to figure out how to make it happen—then do it!

Chauntelle is the mama of two young girls, a yoga instructor, scientist, thinker, planner,  radical homemaker, and a Mama Says Board Member. 
 


Comments

Julie Bond

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 07:23:42

This is great -- I totally agree! Sadly, this is one reason I went back to work after being home for two years -- being at home was too isolating, especially with our long winters. Work dates sound like an excellent solution - count me in! :)

 

Morgan Klarich

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 16:59:24

While searching the net for a good babysitting website, that may help me find the answer to my perpetual homebody status, I stumbled onto this website after reading another blog that mentioned it. I read through as many entries as I could not really identifying with any of them, I'm not married and have no fantasies about other men nor do I have anger issues and I was never that women that believed I would never have children, but yours caught my attention. I'm actually very pleased and content with motherhood but what really has upset me is the absolute lack of women taking care of other women. I realize we live in a culture that is very competitive and spawns this "dog eat dog" community of women that initially will be all happy and gracious with the idea of taking care of another woman's children but something always happens to ruin the dream. I could tell you many reasons why this culture does not create women that take care of each other but that would go into a very long explanation on American womanhood that would not make you or I feel any better about the current status of women's lack of bonding. I fear the issue is far more deep seated than we think, and maybe not, maybe I've just spent far to many years in women's studies, maybe women are ready to actually come together and are just waiting for the opportunity. I don't really know because I cannot speak for all women I can only speak from experience and my experience has been very like yours. I also spent a great deal of time outside of this country and on many occasions wished that women valued each other more here. Interestingly enough I found solace in knowing that within the minority communities in this country there is still some semblance of "community" alive and well but that is another topic for another time of which I could write on and on about. Anyway... I feel you and understand what you mean and the loneliness can be deafening at times "no ones on earth alone yet every ones on there own."

 

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