Mama Says

This was not my plan.
 
Kids were not in the picture of my future in any way, at any time in my life. I was a strange little girl who at age 7 said, “I don’t need a man, and I’m not having kids.” So I spent my life living for me.  I did not pine away or hope for the right man to raise my kids with, because I did not want to live that life.  Sure, I had my share of long-term boyfriends, but it is amazing what you will settle for when you don’t care about having any kids.
 
I was having a grand ol’ time, living life all for me.  Then I got distracted and the next thing I knew, I was pregnant.  Ok, I’ll come right out and say it: The first baby was an accident.  So I stuck with it.  I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.  Within the course of a year, I went from never wanting kids to being pregnant and married.  I went from “Never, ever, ever will I wait on a man like my mother did,” to being an old-fashioned homemaker.  
 
The roller coaster of emotions that ensued in the next three years was overwhelming.  I went from shock, to giddy, to sick, tired and huge in 9 months. Then, after the baby was born, I was back to giddy, then resentful, guilt-ridden (from the resentment), angry, depressed and completely lost.  I did not know how to do this mother thing.
 
So I read books...lots of them.  Some helped, and some only made me more confused.  I have seen therapists and searched for friends who understand what I’m going through (not many, I must admit).  It is hard to find women who don’t really care for babies, and can hardly stand to be around a two-year-old. I loved mine, of course, but could not wait until we could have a more logical conversation.
 
I spent so many years living for me, that learning to live completely in the moment for an illogical little creature has been the hardest lesson of my life. But I have grown tremendously in the last few years.  The growing pains have been unbearable at times, but I am stronger, more resilient, patient, and compassionate. I have found a deep well of love in my heart that I did not know existed.
 
Because I have children, I have not allowed myself to consider running from my relationship when things get difficult, as I once would have done.  I have learned to accept my husband’s faults and deal with living with someone who I am not always compatible with.  I have learned to compromise as well as stand up for myself.

There have been times, in the midst of misery and post-partum depression, that I felt I was drowning.  I couldn’t breathe.  I thought I was not going to make it through this.  I feel like I have risen to the surface, and most days I am swimming somewhat gracefully to shore.
 
My children have forced me through the most painful growth I could ever imagine.  I thank them with all of my heart for coming into my life and being my teachers.  I know I am not done yet.  In fact, I have only just begun on this path as a parent.  I am still growing, and some days will again make me wonder what the hell I have gotten myself into.  But most days I know that my children have helped me to become a person that I never would have been without them.  I only hope I can do the same for them.

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